Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Saddest Moment

I will be as straightforward as I can in this post.

After we get married on last December 2012, I and my husband agree that we may need some time for two of us. It means, no children, for that time. Frankly, we think we were not ready yet to take that high responsibility.  But not like what you might think, we didn't do any contraception, no. Even if we think we were not ready yet for having a children, we still believe that God has His own choice for us. God knows the best for us. So if He gave us any children, we believed that He think we were ready for that, even if we think we haven't. To be simple, we let everything in God's hand.

So the story goes... we had a very joyful moments together. My hubby busy with his new interesting job and so was I, buried myself with my fashion and accessories line. Sometimes I stay up late to do my side job as freelance designer and the other day I found myself busy cleaning up the house. But despite all the fun-but-sometimes-under-pressure-work-process,I was feeling like dating everyday. I was so in love with my husband and so he was ( I think, I have to ask him first :p). We had sooo much fun and I was feeling like fall in love with him all over every day :)

But you know, even if we were that cool about maternity thing, we both love babies and deep inside we were very excited to know when will we be got the chance to be a papa and momma. And the secret was, we already had a name for our future children. Not only one, we had three names for our (first?) three kids. Yes, it's silly. More for that? My turn. I wish our first kids would be a girl, and she will be born in Février (February, in French). Simple calculation means I got to be pregnant in June so I will be give a birth in February. (Please tell me if I had miscalculation since it give a big impact in the story)

So since last month, it's no longer a cool thing. We were like made an unwritten target that I got to, I have to be pregnant in June. I don't know why I should too care about this, but yes, that silly target that my babygirl should be born in Février was the main reason. Have I mention it was silly before?

I should have known about this since I experienced this thing since I was 13 years old... I should aware of the sign, or maybe I just tried to ignore it that time...tried my best to not believe that there was, always, a chance that it would be coming even if I already work so hard to make it not coming... But here it was... I was mad to my hubby for a reason I don't remember; he just being a pain in the ass since the morning. And to make it worse, I found an unwanted spot when I was in the toilet.

I always think that I was nothing near melancholic person whatsoever, especially in that thing. But that day, I just felt sad. Staring at that spot, I spontaneously whispered like "Oh my God". I felt that my heart suddenly felt empty. That big hope already gone. I never imagine that I could feel that feeling. Feeling that most of the woman ever experienced. That's what I called the saddest moment after we get married.

I was hard breathing after found out that unpleasant surprise, so I took some moments before getting out of the toilet. No, I am not crying you wonder, I am pretty chill when I whispered to my hubby; "you won't be a dad this time" :)

That was happened last Friday so I am okay today (just fighting the regular ache in my stomach, PMS sucks sometimes). My computer is broken so I take it as an opportunity to take a break from work. I send the dirty clothes to the laundry and take easy for the rest of the household work (who guess looking for a domestic helper is not that easy?). I am okay, as okay I was in previous weeks. I heard about the cliche words so much; how it's just not the right time, enjoy the process, etc. Even if it was so stereotype, but it was the point; we know every cliche, we just need to be reminded.

So it is, the babbling of the day. I feel much better, thanks to writing.
By the way, I guess I have to break my promise...I don't knoooww...why it is so hard to write regularly, do you know what I am saying?? Whatever, have a good times peeps. Much ♥♥♥ from me.


widi sarinastiti said...

try ever E 250 to you & your hubby z.. it may works, at least i try and it works for me :)
i know the feeling "you wont be daddy at this time" over and over since the day me & mbop just married eh wkwkkkwk just chill & good luck :):*

misstyzha said...

loh iya ta? aku sebenernya dari dulu mau nyoba ever E juga bee, tp buat menghaluskan kulit #salahfokus wahh nambah lagi alesan nih buat nyoba :9

haha iya nih benernya aku galau. kondisi sekarang yg lagi riweuh mungkin belum ideal buat punya baby..tapi sebenernya udah pengen..tapi masih harus sering pergi ke mana2..tapi udah pengen pake banget..tapi tapi..yaweslah. kalo dibalikin ke Allah yaa bakal dikasih di waktu yg tepat.. thanks for dropping by by the way! :*