Saturday, February 4, 2012

Are You With Me?

Hello there,

I woke up this morning with a mixed feeling. I have been dealing with some important issue nowadays until I realized, today is already February 4th?? Wow. Speedy, huh?

You know, some people may do something because of the need to do; for the sake of money for example. And some will do because they want to. Sounds idealistic? Or arrogant? But truly, would us be happier if we do?

I've been earning my own money since I was very young. I used to sell a tiny hand drawn pics when I was in 4th grade of elementary. I also won several competition and it give me cash. Even that wasn't much, I was grateful. And since I became a uni student, I worked as reporter for my uni offical website and become freelance designer. I earn some too. Still not that much to keep me alive, but at least I can buy gorgeous dress without starving. What's the similarity, you may ask. Well, I did it because I want. The cash, which is the basic needs *oh come on* just follow after.

Few nights ago I chatted with my man. I told him, that I wasn't anymore enjoy my work as art teacher . I didn't feel the challenge again. No, challenge isn't the best word to describe... I didn't feel the any interest anymore to work there. I'm just not into it, not like I had done before.
After some arguments, he said okay. But there is something tickling my mind then when he said "yes okay, for now. But later if you are really working (what he means is after the college life, a full timer), you shouldn't do that." As soon as he said that I pointed out a question "Is it? Is it mean, later, maybe when we feel the urge of money, I should keep my job even I don't like it?" He answered "You should differentiate it; is it a split second feeling, or not."

Back then, around the middle of 2011, my colleagues asked me to help her friend who worked as an art teacher in one of course franchise in Surabaya. I said yes in a second. After resign from my previous work and 'only' spend days by doing Final Project, a 1,5 work hour a week should be fine. And that's not permanent anyway, I'd only substitute her for one month.

Right after I finished, the owner of the franchise asked me to work permanently there. I said okay and starting from that time I spent my Saturday afternoon working. And months after that, also my Wednesday afternoon.

It went well at first but now, 5 months working there, I lost my passion.

I've been asking to myself, what's wrong. The pay was quite good. I love working with the kids even they give me headache sometimes (haha). But why now, there are always be a deep sigh every time I go to work. I keep on asking to myself; what's wrong?

Then I think maybe I lost my motivation. When the first time I agreed to work there was because I have free time and I think I can handle it. Plus, I love kids. And the pay was quite good. I suppose it wold be a good experience.

But now? I got plenty experience. And if it is not going to be same in the future, that won't  be that different. I have seen from angelic kids until the irritating ones. What else I am hoping for? Pay is not and never be my first motivation. Time? You know I have been dealing with my Final Project. As my graduation was cancelled, I put a higher standard to its result, to pay the time that I've been wasting.

Well, I haven't decide yet but you see where the winds blow...

In the other hand, my man is one of my top choice of people I'd like to share about. He listen to me, if not always it should be most of times, and give me good inputs. That's why I share almost all my problem, thoughts, to him. Even he can't prohibit me for doing any things (because he's still hasn't become my husband, and when he is already I am still hoping he would let me doing all I want to do indeed), he always give me different view to help myself choose the best decision. I should admit that I was a bit disappointed that night when he didn't immediately said he agreed with me when I said I would out because I didn't get the feel again to work there. I feel irritated when he questioning over and over about my decision, all the why-s and have-you-really-think-about-it thingy.

I know he did it for good. He just want to make myself sure that I make a right decision. But I guess that too much. All the worries, I mean. That's why it was irritating. Because then it sound like the things I have told to him was coming from overnight thinking, not long periods of time, which was I really have been doing. And still.

And maybe, deep inside, I was afraid that will be happen in our after-marriage life. I was afraid that he won't allow me to left anything when I 'only' lost my intentions, just because maybe in the first time I was so thrilled about it, or for a reason that he is hiding from me.

Life in the future will be more complicated. And I just want him to let me do what I want to do and left what I don't want to, just believe me. Cause that's called human right ,eh? And I suppose that's how Capricornian works. We tried to simplify almost everything and always listen to our heart better than our minds.

Ah, what a long babbling. I'll see you soon, dahling :)

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