The Silent Birthday

Hubby took me to the nearest beach in my birthday morning. Cheered me a lil bit, I really appreciate the only-two-of us time. I hate to say this, but I swore to myself that I won't having that gloomy birthday again in the future. NEVER EVER. (just thinking about that already made me sad :'( )

I never ask for a gift, nor a party. But we didn't have birthday everyday, right? Am I asked to much if at least, I can choose with whom I want to be, where, and what I want to do only for a day? Despite having at least one of them, I trapped in the worst condition I could ever imagine I would have in my birthday. Even nobody seems care that (just forget the fact that it was my birthday, it was way too far..) I am a pregnant woman that need a peace, really need to take care what is inside my tummy and mind. Nobody.

Everything was not in order, people kept yelling, that was a HUGE CHAOS. I got a terrible headache, I guess I gonna EXPLODE. But then I found myself cry in two days row because even though I hate the condition, I couldn't change it. And that was a too heavy burden to be taken of in my current fragile condition. Then, where was my husband? Oh, you know how man can be such a pain in the ass? That how he was that time. Perfect timing, eh?

Gosh, I am crying while writing this. 

You know, there was time in my birthday when I think it may be a joke, that the condition will get better. Hubby took me somewhere else so we can enjoy our time...that it is just a huge thunderstorm before the rainbow... yeah sort of things. But I fooled myself. When the evening comes I know it was the most bitter end-closing/ birthday that ever exist. I got hurt and the recovery wasn't easy. But finally I found this win win solution; it is okay if I can't change the condition, but I will keep in my mind that I won't be there again in my special occasion. If you can't change it, at least you can deny it. Case closed.

( PS: I am writing this three weeks after the shit day..so just call me okay now. I love my husband but that didn't make me stop to get mad at him every time I remembered what was happened. Oh my poor baby..)

C'est la Vie

You know how funny life can be? When I think I can't be more happy, something ruin my 'happy life' and here, I am writing because I can't believe how this life come in sometimes.

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For the past weeks I have been lucky enough to feel the 'it' feeling; the feeling when you feel that nothing bad can happen... that you fell so grateful, loved... simply happiness is in the air. But today, I face something that make me cry, that push me to call my mum (cause she is the one I want to hear the sound right now, not to mention she is the one who can calm me down in my lowest point). Something that I hate to admit that I can't handle, something that I like to pretend that I am strong. why should pretend?
Because that's how it works. If your not happy, pretend you are until you really feel. That's what I am trying to do with this strong thingy.

Well actually I feel that I am quite strong. But you know, sometimes I just can't believe why some people can be so mean to others. Why some people seems like trying to make others feel down? Get over it people. There's a big difference between advice, critics and something bullshit out of your mouth. Critic is just critic as long as you treat it like it is. But if you exaggerating it and add something that has no sense at all, you know I won't care. And I don't have to, because it's meaningless.

Some people maybe didn't happy with their life. Oh, they won't admit it, of course. But you see in the way they treat others. Like they are perfect, but actually it is themselves that need to be fixed. You see in the way they are talking, hurtful. And they don't have much friends, people can't stand them.

After talked with my mum minutes ago, I feel pretty much better. My anger disappeared and I am starting feel sorry for the bullies. I should be feel thankful because there's always people in my side when I was down, instead of using others to transfer anger and dissatisfaction cause of my own life and problem and own mistake.

I remember when I was little, I have a friend who used to pull my hair. That time, I had a long black hair, and sometimes my Mom braided it. Whenever I came home crying because of what she had done, my Mom will told me to be strong. Sometimes she told me to do it back to her since she didn't seem to stop even she knew it hurts me. So the next time she did, I would forbear myself and pulled her hair back. But then she will pulled it even harder, and I will back home crying again...

You know, that little bullies was having a short curly hair...Got the point? After all, haters will always be haters. Even sometimes it seems there is no way for you, don't let them taking control on you. Just keep trying and hold yourself harder... and ask God to help you :)



Thank's Mom, for always be there... and thank's God for remind me that, afterall, life is just life. No more :)

And for the bullies... I'll be stronger, watch out, yo chicken > :)



Laa Ilaaha Illaa Anta Subhaanaka Innii Kuntu Minazh Zhaalimiin

Hormones

Hello peeps.. I feel like writing know even I'm not sure what I'am going to write... Anyway this time is one of the period... yes, you guessed right, that girl's monthly period when I have all the ups and downs, and drama queen attitude. Blah. I was wondering is there any girl outside who doesn't feel this way? I mean it would be fun if we don't exaggerated small things or act over emotional which come from something called hormones. Euh. Just fyi, my crying bomb on my last bar was caused by this unique hormone. Read my previous post. Thank you very much. Not.

Umm... next week I'm going back to my hometown for short holiday. Airplane ticket is already in my hand and I just can't help imagining how peaceful my life would be there. But before that, I should meet my counselor to fix drawing style for my upcoming final project. Not an easy thing to do but I hope for the best since I got a TOTAL revision from last bar and I really need to work hard if I still wanna graduate next March. God... *burst in tears*

See I did another babbling and rumbling... Hormones!

Well another thing is I got another argue with my bf. Oh is it really argue? Well just said I have been mad at him, again. It was simple thing as usual when he was sleepy and wanted to hanged the phone when in fact I WAS THE ONE WHO HOLD MY SLEEPING TIME for waiting him back home. Ha! After my sacrifice he easily wanted to hanged the phone? How selfish is that?! Oh of course he soon realized and offered to call me again. but that "I'm sleepy. I'll call you next morning" is unforgivable. Sorry I'm not that easy, boy, since this was not the first time you did such a thing to me. Huh.

I know I can be so annoying sometimes and most of you may think 'what the hell mad for such silly thing'. But this is my period. I can't handle it. It's hormone! Can I become a queen, at least once for a month? After I deal with all his working hours, soccer time, his me time, am I ask too much for nite call in the weekend? Am I ask too much? I don't wanna be become more drama queen-ish by saying is his sleeping time more important than me... But just be fair, I just ask a couple minutes, and he can sleep all day long later...that was weekend! I never asked him to buy me this and that, as a joke yes. I never asked him to visit me regularly. I just ask him hold his sleeping time for couple minutes for the God sake! :(

It give me blues.

I hate the fact I need to feel something like this every month. I was tired of yelling so I decided to be quiet. If he can't give me what I need, I don't see any reason why should I hope for that.


I feel lonely to not talking with him... But it's way much better than feeling marginalized most of time. Gosh, I still can't get it why it is so hard for him to do... This is typical, underestimate small things :(

Wow... a long grumbling. Hormones. Accumulation. Hmm...




Well... enough for now. Enjoy your Saturday nite! I'm with my pencil and paper! Remember, anything melodramatic in this post, please blame the hormones! I'm normally a cool chick, don't worry hehehe...

xoxoxoxo

Not a Very Good Thing to Begin May

Hello mid-day, people... Well, not ordinary time to blog, at least for me. But there was something happened that I should blog as soon as possible, or I will explode :(

Okay, I start it by admitting that I’m mess. I’m become a moron, especially nowadays. You ask me why?

Last April 29th was my mom’s birthday. I have just remembered about that when my lil sister called me. This morning. 

Between our silly chat suddenly she asked me why I didn’t wish my mom a happy birthday. I just... felt like slapped in the face. Like, oh my God, what’s the date? I totally forget about it. How come, I don’t know... :(

It’s not over yet.  In the silence after the question, soon I realized that yesterday was hers too. My sister still in 3th grade of elementary school but she already has those maturity manner. I mean she didn’t yell at me about why I didn’t say anything to her yesterday. But she mad at me because I said nothing to my mom. Yes, that 9 year old kid. Now you ask who is older...

I don’t know how to say it clearly. I feel bad, really bad. I amfeel embarrassed to myself for being such ignorant and egoistic. What I’ve been doing so I forget my own family’s birthday? Am I that busy? Ha ha. :’(



Mom, I’m really sorry. I’m very sorry mom. What should I do? Even sorry doesn’t make a sense, to be honest :’(
And for Little Ocupa..Oh dear.. :’(

Healing by Crying

[Healing by Crying]

Adobe Illustrator CS2 sketch work then colored in Adobe Potoshop CS3

When you cry, you heal yourself. I can’t be more agree with this statement. How happy if I can cry and let things out. Ah :)


Anyway this won’t be a melodramatic post hihi..  Actually I’ll get my ‘period’ soon so that may be a good reason to be a lil bit mellow hihi.. *that was my excuse for several days ago. But for now, I’m happy as you all hope, ready to face all the challenge of life, ready to move on, ready for Design Research class!!! Ups, that is the reason I wrote this post :)

Regret always comes late. That’s lame, I know. But why people keep did it? That is mystery. And I did it again, regret about something that I fully realize, and was my entire fault, my full responsibility.
Bad time management, postpone small task, little things that become a big hill of pending tasks. Oh how many times I should have faced it? Am I never learned? Pathetic.

This semester I have Design Research Class which commonly known as pre-Final Project. You do half of your Final Project in Design Research Class. Choosing the subject, do the researches, polls, interview, etc. I won’t babbling much about it cause it will make me sad (again) but simply said if you don’t pass this subject, you won’t get permission to do Final Project next semester. If you don’t do the Final Project next semester you will be late minimum one semester  from your graduating time. See the problem? No?

For some of us, that wasn’t big deal. For me, it’s big problem. No, it’s not about my parent. They taking care of me fairly and as long as I have done the best, everything is ok. But have I try my best? You should know why I feel so ashamed of myself.



In the deepest of my heart I’m afraid. I’m afraid I can’t deal with fail. I don’t hope to, but I know I should prepare for the worse too. I should learn dealing with (naudzubillah) fail.



It’s stupid to ask God to turning back time and regret only makes me feel worse.So I decided to move on, do the best in the rest of the time.

And I should believe that whatever the result is, God will give me the best. And God won’t give me something that cannot be faced by me :)


Bismillah!

I’m depressed, so I see psychologist

Yes you readers, must be so familiar about my older post when I’m such a mellow, grumpy, complaining about this and that. Yeah simply it was a silly problem about young adult life. But you know, I never ever think that I would face the day when I couldn’t handle these all sort of things. Which looks like a silly problem in young adult life.

I d no spirit goin to college, I had no passion doin my exciting college task. slept 10 hours a day but wake up late and easily feel weak. I’m stuck, and all I want is the day stop turning so I can take a lil breath.

I really don't know what was the problem. The previous day was okay but dang! The next day I lost my focus then the day turning till I realized I almost one week in those confusing situation. I couldn't tell my friend or even my parents cause I even didn’t know what was the problem. So you see, how could they help when I even don’t know what was wrong with myself.

So one day I woke up late again, I passed my class, then I realized I might find a help. I might see someone who able to help me. I knew who they could be. Psychologist.


Thank’s God in Medical Center ITS we’ve psycholog to help us out if we’ve a problem about academic or personal problem. I was sitting quite long in Medical’s waiting room, wondering what the hell I was doin here, but finally I lifted my knee and go to the psychologist’s room.

I felt silly sitting down in front of her without any idea what would I tell her about. She asked me tenderly and I just told her about what was goin on me. About sleeping 10 hours, had no passion doing anything and the blah-blah. .At first I just didn't get what the hell I was talking about, oh my God, I just babbling around.


But then after she asked me more deeply, I found that I cry..



I remembered I tell her everything.


Friends, I just didn't know what was the problem with me. I just told her about my worry, my fear, and everything that was lying in my mind. I grab some tissues but I still hear my mouth told her about my cares of life and on and on.



And you know, simply I’m depressed.



We had lot a problem to face along our lifetime. I was kinda introvert, I was not easy to shared my feeling to others. The one I trusted most is my mother. But sometimes I didn’t wanna make her thinking about me lot. Well yea, she might do a lot of things, I was enough mature to captured all my problem! But I didn’t realize there was a snowball effect inside of me. Without someone to shared, it was small a problem which turning day by day till grow enough to kill me. Deep inside.



That was previous week ago. Now I’m okay. I learned from the past and the psychologist opened my eyes that we have choices in this life. You wanna live like it is? It is easy to do. But if you wanna do something more valuable, yea you must fight dear baby. There's no compulsion for that. Nothing can push you, cause you, yourself, who have decision, and you have your own to right to choose how do you gonna treat you life. If things doesn’t work good, we just have to fight, fight, fight. But we still have a choose to retire. Life is all about choose.



How about me? Well, all can I say is I’m gonna fight. It would be hard I know, but I just want it so I’ll take the risk. No pushing down, it's just for my parents, my family, and myself of course. I will fight till the rest of my life


Thank you for unnamed psychologist. Thank you madam for letting me cry and treat my like your own daughter. Thank you for the motivation, thank you for remembering me that my family wont be happy look me down like that. I’ll pay you someday, thank you!
Most of all thank you for my mom who heard this story and keep yelling on me why i still force myself after years. haha..it just me, mom, i love you :)

mencari pembenaran

anyway dalam perjalanan ke ITS Online tadi entah kenapa saya tiba2 kepikiran buat nulis postingan ini.hmm inspirasinya dari temen yang baru aja putus dengan pacarnya

si temen ini kita panggil aja Bunga menumpahkan unek-uneknya pasca putus dengan si Abang, kita panggil saja mantan cowoknya seperti itu. sekali dua kali saya bersimpati layaknya seorang teman yang ikut sedih atas kesedihanan temannya. kali berikut dan berikut serta berikutnya lagi waktu dia curhat, saya mulai mikir.'hey, it sounds familiar..'

mungkin sudah jadi rahasia umum kalau saya pernah punya sedikit emm trouble dengan ah saya gatau nyebutnya apa, well katakanlah my ex lover. hubungan yang saya aakhiri sendiri dengan baik-baik dengan niat dan tujuan yang baik pula nyatanya jadi bencana di belakang. kalau orang lain brantem lalu putus. mungkin saya kebalikannya. udahan dulu baru brantem. saya ingat betul waktu itu, permintaan si ex untuk tetap menjaga tali silaturahmi nyatanya cuma jadi slogan kosong karena hampir satu tahun saya memilih buat tidak bicara dengan dia.

pada rentang waktu saat saya tidak bicara dengan my ex-lover tersebut, saya selalu bisa menemukan kesalahan-kesalahannya. yang dulunya lucu, saya bilang tidak dewasa. yang dulunya no problem, saat itu menjadi tambahan alasan untuk semakin membencinya. bahkan saya sampai mendedikasikan satu postingan khusus tentangnya yang berisi semua kemarahan dan kekecewaan saya terhadap dia.

salah satu sahabat saya yang lain pernah bilang, sesimpel 'yang sudah ya sudah'. kalau saya melihat ke belakang sekarang saya mungkin cuma bisa tersenyum kecut dan berpikir betapa bodohnya saya saat itu. menghabiskan air mata, mengotori hati..semua sia-sia. kenapa waktu itu saya ga bisa cuma melepaskan dia lantas menutup mata dan berlagak tidak mau tahu? karena sebenarnya apa yang dilakukan dia toh bukan urusan saya lagi. dia juga bukan apa-apa saya lagi jadi kenapa saya harus terluka dengan yang dilakukannya di kemudian hari?

dan kenapa kita kaum perempuan suka menyambung-nyambungkan apa yang terjadi sekarang dengan apa yang terjadi di masa lalu?

misalnya..setelah putus cowok jalan dengan sahabat kita. serta merta kita lantas berpikir 'wah gila jangan2 pas masi sama gue tuh cowok udah flirting ke sobat gue?' gimana kalo ternyata itu cuma kecurigaan ga beralasan? bahkan kalupun benar begitu, lalu apa urusan kita? toh kita sudah over sama dia..well done.selesai. titik.


balik lagi ke masalah temen saya itu. secara keseluruhan cerita kami banyak sekali memiliki persamaan. samapai sekarang dia masih suka peeking what her ex boyfie did. dia masih meributkan apa yang dilakukan mantannya itu dengan cewek lain, yang konon dulu pernah disukai si mantan. bicara fakta, mungkin si mantan memang sudah dekat dengan wanita lain. bicara logika, it's enough mate. itu bukan urusan kamu lagi..buat apa kamu meributkan apa yang dilakukan cowok itu, toh dia bukan pacar kamu lagi..
saya perna tanya, emang kamu pengen balik? jawabnya enggak. tapi dia bilang ga rela kalo ternyata mereka putus karena cewek lain.
batin saya, kalau ga rela tapi ga mau balik lantas mau apa? mau menyimpan ketidrelaan tersebut sampai bikin badan sakit sendiri?


ini memang kesalahan umum khas cewek. saya pernah melaluinya sekali karena itu saya ga pengen temen-temen saya yang lain terjebak dalam lubang yang sama. ganti2 status di dunia maya yang isinya mengecam sang mantan, walopun ga nyebut merek tapi seisi dunia tau betul yang dia maksud siapa


jadi buat Bunga, biarin Abang bahagia dengan pilihannya sekarang. kita ga tau ke depannya gimana tapi tolong relakan dia. kalau dia memang salah deep inside his heart pasti ngerasa dan penyesalan akan muncul dengan sendirinya.no offense.




yang sudah ya sudah ya nduk, plis? :)
we love both of you
you go girl!





PS: kata mas galih, tak baik bersedih-sedih terus walaupun kita memang sedang ingin bersedih-sedih

ah, it's another sigh

huhu IP smester ini dah kluar

ga kaya smester2 biasanya yang wlp selalu deg2an-tapi saya tetep smangat buat liat- smester ini rasanya suram sekali.

mungkin karena kekagetan liat periklanan BC itu... yang berimbas pada ketakutan untuk melihat hasil akhirnya.



astaga sejak kapan gue jd penakut gini? :(






it's just score afterall just score.. dan kata2 yang selalu didengungkan orang2 bahwa nilai tidak penting, bahwa ilmulah yang terpenting benar2 saya pahami. tapi knapa juga rasanya masih bgini.. sedih dan takut?


smester 3 ini saya ngerasa udah try harder ketimbang smester2 sebelumnya. klo ngerjain apa2 udah mule pake riset dulu dari karya2 yg udah ada, g skedar asal bikin. dan emang smester tiga ini lebih krasa ngos-ngosannya.

tapi ya ternyata even i already try harder, its not as hard as needed. jadi ternyata saya blum berusaha sekuat yang dibutuhkan untuk bisa tetep survive.


hmm. gatau juga sih.


yg jelas sy blum liat ip.saya blum siap. dan saya takut, jujur, kalo mengulur-ngulur waktu ini cuma another warning klo something bad bakal bner2 terjadi. kayak waktu pengumuman USM ITB dulu.


ah USM ITB.


hmm dulu sy sempet ikut USM ITB yg daerah. dan pada saat itu sy cukup, well PD lah bakal keterima di interiornya ITB. (yes, my first crush is interior, not dkv). mungkin knapa ya? yaa sy dah blajar gambar cukup lama dan kata orang sih gambar saya bagus tp ya saya emg g perna bner2 tau tes desain itu seperti apa..yang baru saya ketahui blakangan, sgt terlambat sekali, waktu ikut salah satu bimbel di surabaya buat tes desain masuk ke ITS.


anyway pada hari H pengumumannya itu kan saya masi di asrama tuh, asrama SMA saya, sore pula. jd ga mungkin ke warnet wat liat pengumumannya yg via online. dan di rumah tu pas lampu mati, jd ibu bapak saya gabisa ngeliatin juga. bapak katanya udah muter2 cari warnet tp di Bontang, tolong deh kota kecil, satu daerah mati hampir smuanya mati juga. yup sialnya waktu itu di bontang pemadaman listriknya juga lagi berjamaah.

ada temen saya yg sama2 ikut USM daerah lagi di rumah dan ngeliat pengumumannya tuh. dy ga masuk. dan nawarin saya buat ngeliatin. dan tentu saja saya menolak. karena sudah kebiasaan orang seperti saya merasa lebih puas melakukannya sendirian, at least dibantu keluarga lah.


beberapa temen lain yg ikut udah tau hasilnya via tmen saya itu dan banyakan ga diterima. oh semuanya ga keterima kecuali satu orang, zulfa, yg dapet di teknik mesin. itupun pilihan keduanya dia. so u see, it made me gettin more nervous.

yg jlas stelah itu ortu saya bgadangan nungguin lampu nyala. dan bgitu nyala ternyata udah malem bgt dan internet connectionnya gabisa.


slama rentang waktu itu sumpah, saya cuma ngaji2 doang. trus ya solat sunah. waktu tu perasaan saya ya ky gini, persis ky sekarang. saya bner2 gda bayangan apa yg bakal terjadi dan saya terlalu takut dan nervous buat tahu hasilnya. dan ibadah waktu itu setelah saya pikir2 skarang, mungkin adalah cara saya untuk nenangin diri. karena saya takut, takut klo gabisa ngadepin apa yang terjadi.



well intinya sih pas nunggu pengumuman USM tu rasanya diulur-ulur gt ya. rasanya susah bgt buat saya dan ortu saya tahu hasilnya lewat tangan kami sendiri. baru bsok paginya pas saya mo ke warnet ortu sms klo ya enggak.


dan itu perasaan paling menyedihkan, salah sato moment menyedihkan pada hidup saya. karena well, saat itu saya bener2 mengimpikan menjadi seorang desainer interior lulusan ITB gt. (walopun skarang sy bersyukur ga lulus USM ITB, karena toh ternyata saya lebih suka dkv, yg ga bakal saya sadari klo saya lulus USMnya ITB)



inti semuanya adalah saya takut klo saya ngulur2 waktu buat liat IP ini sebenernya adalah sebuah persiapan tanpa sadar untuk menghadapi sesuatu yg akan susah saya terima. saya sih jelas ga berharap hal itu bakal terjadi, dan saya gatau apakah saya bisa menghadapinya atau enggak. tapi saya juga gabisa maksa diri saya buat mbuka sim akademik its skarang juga karena apapun hasilnya nanti, saya tetep perlu persiapan.




dan dalam keadaan seperti ini, well, apalgi yang bisa saya lakukan kecuali memohon yang terbaik pada Yang Mahakuasa?

bye, dear isma..

kmaren mungkin adalah hari paling penuh kontradiksi yg perna terjadi..

Ada dua kabar ys sama2 bikin speechless. Bedanya yang satu kabar baik satunya kabar buruk.

Well kabar buruk dulu.

Kmaren pas UAS ilustrasi siang itu saya dapat sms. Smsnya serem.

Temen2 mohon doanya ya buat kesembuhan isma, kondisinya kritis..sebarin

Sms itu datang saat pikiran saya masih penuh soal ilustrasi dan tugas ftografi yang belum kelar. Seraya berdoa cepat2 saya mengirimkan sms itu ke teman2 yg lain trus lanjut mengerjakan UAS.

Sepuluh menitan kemudian ada sms lagi. ga perlu saya sebutkan di sini bunyinya karena sangat miris sekali. Intinya si pengirim c bilang minta kesalahannya Isma dimaafkan agar dimudahkan jalannya..

Katanya badan isma sudah dingin. Dan saya merasa badan saya pun mulai dingin.

Kalut. Sms bebrapa teman yang lain sementara sms2 yang sama juga terus berdatangan dari beberapa nomor yang berbeda.

Dan beberapa menit kemudian saya dapat sms lagi. membaca kalimat pertamanya aja udah mau pingsan. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun..

isma juriyadina

cuma ada fto ini..inipun nyomot dari fs.smua ftonya ada di kompie ruma huhu

Isma adalah teman sekamar pertama saya waktu masih di asrama SMAN 10 melati Samarinda. Anaknya kecil putih tapi sama sekali ga menunjukkan kesan ringkih. Ibunya sering sekali menjenguknya karena itu banyak yang berasumsi dia manja. Belakangan kami baru tahu itu adalah kekhawatiran seorang ibu.

Menginjak tahun selanjutnya Isma makin sering sakit. Awalnya biasa saja sampai suatu saat ia benar-benar drop dan divonis, jantungnya bermasalah. Tapi Isma tetap kembali ke sekolah. Dan tiap ditanya sebenarnya sakit apa dia selalu bingung.

Banyak. Komplikasi.

Di kelas tiga sakitnya Isma menjadi hal yang biasa. Kadang2 si Isma yang jayus ini juga jadi mainan buat kami. Tentu dalam konteks bercanda pada teman. Kadang dengan mimik lucunya Isma suka mengadu dadanya berdebar-debar. “Bunyinya dug-dug begitu..”adunya.Spontan saja kami ngakak. Ih Isma jayus lho.. atau ya iyalah Isma jantung kan emang begitu.

padahal dia ngomong gt mungkin karena jantungnya sakit betulan

Tapi Isma sudah jarang ngedrop sampai harus dibawa ke rumah sakit. Paling kalau sudah agak capek dia ga ikut kegiatan. Harus saya akui semangantnya tinggi sekali. Beda sama kami yang sukanya pura-pura sakit biar ga usah ikut apel malam dan sebagainya, gadis ini malah semnagat sekali ikut kegiatan yang katanya menyenangkan.

Lulus SMA Isma dpt beasiswa ke Bakrie School of Management. Otak hitung-hitungannya memang moncer. Belum lama di sana saya dapat kabar dia sakit samapai harus dipulangkan ke kalimantan. Sakitnya ternyata begitu beratnya kali ini sehingga kuliahnya harus berhenti di tengah jalan. Sejak saat itu Isma di rumah saja, tidak kuliah. Kata teman-teman kadang ia membantu ayahnya di bengkel dan kadang ikut ibunya yang berprofesi sebagai guru.

Perginya Isma meninggalkan shock terapy cukup dalam. Lulus SMA saya memang ga pernah kontak langsung lagi dengannya kecuali lewat beberapa komen di FS. Dan saya sungguh menyesali itu. Sungguh2 menyesal. Atas dalih kesibukan saya merasa sangat egois untuk tidak meluangkan waktu bertukar kabar dengan teman2 walaupun hanya sms. Sms yang singkat sekedar tanya apakabar, tidak menghabiskan waktu dan cuma seratus rupiah itu saya tidak melakukannya. Saya sekedar tanya ke teman2 lain yang lebih peduli pada sahabat2nya tentang perkembangan teman yang lain ketimbang langsung tanya ke orangnya.

Kepergian isma meninggalkan lubang yang menganga juga bagi angkatan 8 SMA saya. Dengan jumlah angkatan tidak sampai enam puluh oranga, wajar kalau kami cukup akrab satu sama lain. kepergiannya kemarin membuat kami diam, menyesal dan tidak ingin bicara. Barusan sy sms temen saya dan dia menyebut ‘isma sudah ga ada’. Kalimat itu rasanay menohok ulu hati. Nggak ada. Sebuah keputusan final. Bukan lagi ‘isma sakit’ karena masih ada harapan dia sembuh. Tapi nggak ada. Titik. Tidak akan kembali lagi.

Kalau ada yang bilang tolong maafkan segala kesalahan isma saya malah memohon isma, seandainya dia tahu, untuk memaafkan segala kesalah saya. Karena sejauh yang saya ingat, dia adalah salah satu sahabat yang selalu meminjamkan lengannya dengan tulus.

Isma sekarang sudah tidak merasa kesakitan lagi. semoga tenang di sisiNya sahabat..

Semua ini masih terasa seperti mimpi. Rasanya saya masih ga bisa percaya kalau dia memang sudah nggak ada..